An open letter from A-SAFE to Mr Willy Wonka regarding Health & Safety concerns at a confectionery manufacturing plant
Dear Mr Wonka,
It has come to our attention that during a recent Golden Ticket promotion at your Chocolate Factory, lapses in Health & Safety procedures led to the sudden and unfortunate disappearances of some of the Golden Ticket holders who were, at the time, participating in a guided tour of your premises.
You may not be aware of modern Health & Safety practises in the workplace, but I would like to introduce you to our company, A-SAFE who provide innovative and award-winning safety barriers and advice, helping workplaces like yours to adjust and adhere to new Health & Safety obligations.
As we understand it, the first incident occurred in the Chocolate Room with one Augustus Gloop. It seems that despite advice to the contrary young Mr Gloop approached your chocolate river, drank a substantial quantity of product (contravening the Health & Safety Executive best food procedures policy) and, subsequently, fell in.
Segregation of personnel from unauthorised areas is key to factory safety and, at A-SAFE, we provide high-vis, flexible Pedestrian Barriers that act as both guide and protection for staff and visitors.
We believe installing A-SAFE barriers in your factory will prevent future accidents in this area – and we can even provide Slide or Swing Gates should the Oompa Loompas need access to the river for quality control purposes.
We believe the second incident occurred in the Inventing Room and involved Ms Violet Beaurigarde, who carelessly tasted an unfinished and underdeveloped confectionery product causing her to turn purple and swell to the size of an enormous beach ball, necessitating a rather uncomfortable de-juicing process for the young girl.
It seems careless in the extreme to allow the public exposure to untested products that are still in development. At A-SAFE we rigorously test every new product that our in-house Research & Development team creates. We adopt the very latest FEA procedures and insist on independent testing before allowing our products onto the marketplace.
Ms Veruca Salt’s accident in the Nut Room may have been the most easily avoided of all. Although we cannot do anything about Ms Salt being a ‘bad nut’, simple STAFF ONLY or DO NOT ENTER signage on the Nut Room door (A-SAFE can supply integrated signboards for all workplace areas) may have acted as suitable deterrent.
Finally, the incident involving Mike Teavee, which saw him tearing around the Television Room at breakneck speed, culminating in him being shrunk to one inch tall through a teleporter and being sent to your special chewing gum stretching machine for resizing, was nothing less than negligent.
A-SAFE Impact Plus Barriers installed around the teleporter would have offered collision protection from high velocity children and, because the barriers are impact-absorbent, they wouldn’t have damaged the floor.
Despite all of these concerns, we would still like to say how much we admire your constant product innovations and inventiveness. At A-SAFE we have recently developed the iFlex RackGuard – a product that protects rack legs from the impacts of vehicles and is an improvement on an already outstanding design - in a very similar way to how your ‘Luminous Lollies for Eating in Bed at Night’ improve on the lollipop.
We also admire your hardworking colleagues the Oompa Loompa’s enthusiasm for their work, and wondered if they might be interested in visiting our Copywriting and Marketing Department to impart some of their ethos?
We look forward to hearing from you in due course...